Dear Resident, I hate to break it to you, but you’re already in Hell. For example: ever wonder why you hate alarm clocks? Well, alarm clocks cause heart attacks, and their digits are often red. Glowing red. But it’s just an alarm clock, right? Innocent little alarm clock. But like most people, you obey your alarm clock. You may pick it up sometimes, throw it on the floor, and stamp on it, but then you buy a new one, don’t you? That’s right. You know you’re in Hell when you start your day by obeying a little plastic device that tells you what to do.
And that’s just the 9th circle of Hell. An alarm clock is just the beginning . . . the beginning of your day, that is. La!
So open your eyes, ladies and gentlemen! Join us on a whirlwind tour of the Nine Circles of Hell, as we happily confirm what you’ve always suspected. See if any of these sound familiar.
•9th Circle: Alarm Clocks •8th Circle: Traffic Lights •7th Circle: Cubicles •6th Circle: Credit Cards •5th Circle: Congress •4th Circle: The Healthcare System •3rd Circle: Facebook •2nd Circle: Mobile Phones •1st Circle: Television
That’s right. But wait -- there’s more! To make your stay even more enjoyable, we’ve paired you with a new Customer Service Associate, Slugboot, who had a rather spectacular failure in the last assignment.
Slugboot is just learning the ropes of how things work around here, and I’m sure you’ll have a good time together. Now, now -- don’t be sad, I’ll still be around. I’m head of the Training Department, and we’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other.
We hope you enjoy your stay.
Your Dutiful Professor,
Dr. Mugwort Professor of Technology Underworld College